The Stranger, My Father
Seeing your face for the first time in two years, Brought back the memories along with the tears.
A man who I use to claim as my father stands before, As though a stranger. My mind clouds with thoughts of how things were, And how they could never be again. I know I should forgive and forget, But it's so easier said then done. For I been way through much with this man, I don't know if I could actually call him father again. A torn heart that has been battered couldn't possible be the same, For all life has thrown my way, It's amazing I still stand even when my knees are weak.
I was able before to say I love my father, But only thing muttered now silently is the fact I hate him, Though in my deepest of hearts I knew I couldn't possible hate him fully, So when he said the words "I'm sorry," My throat ran dry, And tears formed in my eyes. I couldn't possible look at you so I turned away, And choked out it's ok.
Though it is not for all you have done, It took you two years to realize you lost me, But in my heart I want to blame someone else for what you done, When the words came straight from your mouth, "You were turned gay." I wish you could accept it for it's a part of me, You shouldn't second guess it, You should have been there for me when I needed you the most. I cried nights on end wondering if I ever would actually forgive, In a way I don't want to but it is the right thing to do.
I can't forget what you did it will always be there in the back of my mind, but the thing you got to understand is this is going to take time. I can't say how long for well it's my heart we are talking about, It is going to take a while to heal what you have done to it. My father, of all people broke it the most.
Then when you tried to give me a hug, I managed to smile a bit, for my mixed emotions didn't know what to think. I knew that if I pushed you away a scene would be caused, and well, I didn't want that, For it was a time of fun and laughs.
I wish I was still that little girl at times where my feelings were true for you, and I wasn't second guessing them like I am now. When you drove away I couldn't help but feel a piece of my heart went with you, I was like that little girl looking out the window, Watching you go out of my life yet again. I hoped it would be different.
In the sense this time I wouldn't lose you forever, Though in a sense I did, For I still don't consider you my father.
© Sheila Jarrett
Dedicated: To My Father
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