"Oldies But Goodies"
Humor For Senior Citizens!





This section is for our beloved senior citizens who have reached an age that these jokes now have real meaning! We have all achieved the aches and pains, as well as the wisdom, of growing older! Laugh loud and hearty...it's good for you!



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Go to our funny stuff index for a complete listing of all the humor categories


Wrinle Cream

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Follow the Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

All The Benifits

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive after dark!"



Ouch:

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Let me think for a second


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

I Have Forgotten More Than You Will Ever Lean
.

A young man was giving an old timer a hard time about not being able to remember anything. The Old man replied "Sonny boy I have forgotten more than you will ever learn". The young man said well you cant even remember your own name. The senior citizen nodded and said see that proves my point I have forgotten my name but it is for sure one thing that you will never learn.

"Ode to getting old"

Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head;

I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned. I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.

For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs, If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.

And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt. Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.

I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned. I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.

And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head. I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?

Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot. I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.

So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.

Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.

Medicare in a nutshell

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a Biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now Uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are Either bad or terrible" "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and The other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your Husband's' is." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive Tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off Somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't Sleep with him."

"Will I Live To 80?"

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."

Signs that you have grown up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog/cat Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "How did that Happen!!?!
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old self

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

Wisdom From Seniors

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

How to Get The Police To Your House.



An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to old guy, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

The wise old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


Live life backwards


I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

Listen To Your Doctor

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Change The Menu


Two elderly ladies meet at the drug store after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Harold died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a potato's for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of baked beans instead."

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50:


Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run--anywhere.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You think humor must be good for your body, exercise and diets haven't worked well.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
You know more about prescription drugs than you pharmacist
You can't remember who sent you this list.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Senior citizen exercise program

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Glad to share


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

Listen to your Doctor


Elizabeth was a 85 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Edward. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Edwards’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. “On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Elizabeth was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Do you very best


An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me .Your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

How much time do I have?


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office."Is it true," she wanted to know,"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf.

Only new thing I own


An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat." "But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!" The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!"

Let me help you


Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife looks like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn 't matter, let's look for yours."

The kids will be here

An elderly man in Denver calls his son in Los Angeles and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls home and screams at her dad, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Oldies but goodies


Some hit songs of the 60s and 70s are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye: I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts

Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping

You might be old if


Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.

You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".

You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."

You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.

You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.

The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.

Who is driving?

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The traffic light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we drove thru a red light."

They drove a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "I thought you were driving.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

FORE!


At the end of his tenth and final golf lesson, the elderly man asked the pro how he had performed.
"Well," replied the instructor, "you'll never be a pro, but you can get personal enjoyment out of the game, and the exercise will do you good. Your main problem is that you are too close to the ball after you swing."

New mother


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother.
"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?!?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Say what


After 50 years of marriage the couple was sitting at the dinner table and the wife said to her husband: "After all these years of marriage I know that you are Tried and True."
He replied, "What did you say?"
She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."
He said: "Speak louder!"
She said in a louder voice: "After all these years of marriage I have learned that you are Tried and True."
He replied loudly: "Well, I'm tired of you too!!"

Don't forget


The old couple was sitting in the living room and the man asked his wife to "Make him a peanut butter sandwich with grape jelly and to make sure she used grape jelly and not the peach".
She replied she would and asked did he want one slices or two. He replied two slices and make sure you use the grape jelly not the peach." He continued, as forgetful as you are would you write it down so you won't forget!"
She said: "I don't need to write it down because I will remember grape jelly and not peach.
After a while she came out with two eggs scrambled, a bowl of grits, two pieces of toast and a cup of coffee.
He looked at his meal and said:"I knew it. I knew it. I asked you to write it down because I knew you would forget the biscuits!"

Easy as 123

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies:"All you or your partner have to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

What a weekend!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated: "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the agitated jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man,

"But let me tell you about my weekend!

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

get me home


An older gentleman was sitting on a park bench sobbing. A police officer came up and asked him what was wrong. "I'm 75 years old," sobbed the man. "I have a 35 year-old wife at home. She is beautiful, a great cook, mother of my two young children, charming and madly in love with me." "So what's the problem?" "I can't remember where I live!"

How to play golf


"What is your handicap these days?" one golfer asked another. "I'm a scratch golfer I write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad ones."

Lazy young uns


An elderly man had lived to 84 before going to the hospital for the first time in his life. As they got him into bed he found the bell cord hooked to his pillow.
“What’s this thing for?”
“ It’s for the nurse in case you need anything we replied.”
“How does it work?” He asked:
“you push the button and it turns the light on for the nurse.”
He responded “ You young people have gotten very lazy, If the nurse needs a light she should get up and turn it on for herself.”

I can do that


My Grandmother a feisty 91 and living alone in a small town in Oregon had a total hip replacement and was house bound. Our family, not being nearby, was concerned for her welfare and called Meals on Wheels.
We let the service know how Grandmother didn’t like the idea of being dependant on anyone for anything.
The next day a volunteer phoned Grandmother and cheerfully explained that Meals on Wheels is a service which relies on volunteers to help the elderly and the ill.Would she be interested in it?
There was a reflective pause. "Well, sure," my grandmother said. "If you can't find anyone else to get food to the old people, I guess I can."

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Walking good


A wise old man celebrating his 100th birthday got a visit from a local television reporter at the nursing home to interview him.
"Are you able to get out and walk much?" the reporter asked. "Well, I certainly walk better today than I could a hundred years ago,"

Sharing forever

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered "THE TEETH."

What did you say Huh?


Three retirees, each with a hearing! loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Who's there


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Back seat driver

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Retiree's


For retired people how many days in a week are there?
6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Tied shoes. with their teeth in.

Why do retirees count pennies?
They are the only ones who have the time.

Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

What do retirees call a long lunch?
Normal...Before nap snack

What is the best way to describe retirement?
The never ending Coffee Break.

What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

What do you do all week?
Monday to Friday, nothing. Saturday and Sunday I rest!

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Thought for the day:

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Those were the good old days


What Made Me… Me


Long ago and far away, In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, Or the dawn of Camelot. There lived a race of innocents that trusted their neighbors a lot,
And they were you and me,Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me …Me.

Oh, there was truth and goodness In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, And Peyton Place was porn.
For Ike was in the White House, And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in His heaven
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

We learned to gut a muffler, We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.
And they could hear us coming All the way to Tennessee ,
All starched and sprayed and rumbling
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

We longed for love and romance, And waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, And no one's seen him since.
We danced to "Little Darlin'",
And Sang to "Stagger Lee" And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

Only girls wore earrings then and three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, Except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams Did we expect to see
A boy named George, with Lipstick
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, They never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat Whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard, But not a Mr. T, And Oprah couldn't talk, yet.
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

We had our share of heroes, We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land That Made Me …Me.

We'd never seen the rock band That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson ,And Zeppelins weren't Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin and not so free.
In the Land That Made Me …Me.

We'd never heard of Microwaves, Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, But they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, And "gay" meant happy fancy-free without a doubt,
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails, And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction that we were waiting to see.
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

Buick's came with portholes, And side show came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough To cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, And skirts came to the knee,
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose Or Lipton herbal tea.
In the Land That Made Me… Me.

There were no golden arches, No Perrier's to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, And cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was thirty-five And old was forty-three, And ancient was our parents.
In the Land That Made Me …Me.

But all things have a season, Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline We swear by Retin-A.
And they send us invitations To join AARP, We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land That Made Me… Me.

So now we face a brave new world In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using Smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago, and far away
In the Land That Made Me… Me.
-
-Author unknown



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