Avoid The Path Of Divorce By Learning How To Uncover Hidden Issues Affecting Your Marriage.
To see how important hidden issues are in the future of a marriage, consider two couples. One is successful, the other is headed towards divorce. A quick analysis will easily show a primary difference between the couples is the existance of hidden, unresolved issues and how they are handled.
The unsuccessful couple is headed towards divorce because they allow these issues to remain undetected, under the surface, affecting their relationship.
Obviously, a couple can't handle concealed issues if they allow them to remain unidentified. So let's take a look at how these issues, negatively affecting their relationship, can be identified. There are four key situations:
Wheel Spinning - When an argument starts with you thinking, "Here we go again," you have to suspect issues hiding under the surface. You find yourself getting nowhere on the problem because you frequently aren't talking about what matters most - the concealed issue.
We have all had arguments with our spouse in which we have already voiced everything many times in the past. And now, the cycle starts yet again.
Trivial Triggers - When trivial issues are blown up out of all proportion, you should suspect concealed issues.
Avoidance - When one or both of you are avoiding definite topics or levels of intimacy, or feel walls going up between you, you should suspect hidden issues. For instance, there are many couples from diverse cultural or religious backgrounds who thoroughly refrain from talking about these differences. We think that this behavior by and large reflects concerns about acceptance: Will you accept me absolutely if we really talk about our different backgrounds? Barring such topics not only allows hidden issues to stay hidden but also puts the relationship at significant risk, as the couple never deals with critical differences that can have tremendous impact on a marriage.
Other ordinary but occasionally taboo topics in marriage can contain issues of sex, personal appearance, feelings about ex-spouses, jealousy, and so on. There are a myriad of such sensitive topics that people avoid dealing with in their relationships out of apprehension of rejection. What issues do you refrain from speaking about?
Score keeping - When one or both of you start keeping score, you should suspect hidden issues. Score keeping could mean you are not feeling recognized for what you put into the relationship. Also, it could mean you are feeling controlled and are keeping track of the times your partner has taken advantage of you. Whatever the issue, score keeping can be a sign that there are significant things the two of you aren't talking about - just documenting. Score keeping reflects that you are working opposed to each other at times, rather than being teammates.
What can you do when you realize hidden issues are affecting your relationship? You can detect when one may be operating and set in motion talking about it constructively. As a general rule, this will be easier to do if you are cultivating an atmosphere of teamwork. When dealing with hidden issues, it's vital to focus less on problem solving and more on hearing each other's thoughts and feelings. There is no more powerful form of acceptance than really listening to the thoughts and feelings of your mate. This type of validation is critical to impassioned intimacy in relationships.
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