It's wise to find humor in your life. Why? Consider this:
Humor is good for the body.
There is no doubt that humor is good for the body. Did you know that laughter reduces pain by releasing endorphins in the body. Endorphins are the body’s natural painkiller. Humor also reduces your level of stress by lowering the level of Cortisol, a hormone that has a lot to do with stress levels and the immune system.
And… "The old axiom that 'laughter is the best medicine' appears to hold true when it comes to protecting your heart," says Michael Miller, MD, director of the center for preventive cardiology and associate professor of medicine at the University of Maryland in Baltimore (from WebMD.com ).
So let’s have some humor. Here are items to help you reduce pain, lower your stress level and help your heart.
Check out these pages of humor as well.
Crazy consumer cautions
Guys versus Gals
Praying for more humor
Humor for Senior Citizens
More unanswered questions
Even more unanswered questions
For a complete listing of all of our humor pages click here.
No Pun In Ten Did
PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference... He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to... be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
it was... a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat
said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture boards an air plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Bonfire for a marshmello roast
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212 ,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting at your computer,
Rules For Housekeeping
Rules for Good Housekeeping
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
And now you know how to be the conductor
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Signs that you are an Internet Addict
1.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2.You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
3.Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4.Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6.You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
7.Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address on TV.
8.You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
9.Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.
10.All of your friends have an @ in their names.
11.When looking at a web page full of someone else's links,
you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12.Your dog has its own home page.
13.You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
14.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you
check it again.
15.Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16.You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL
17.You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18.Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
19.You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20.You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
21.You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
22.Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
23.You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher."
24.You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP... because you never log off.
25.The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
26.You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
27.Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so
the two of you can chat.
28.As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
29.You enter your password into the microwave to heat your coffee.
30.You havn't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
31. You e-mail the person that works at the next desk.
32.You don't stay in touch with friends and realatives because they dont have Instant Message.
33.You notice every website on television and check it out to see if they have a free newsletter that you can sign up for.
34.You start tilting your head to smile :).
35. After reading this you know who you will e-mail this to.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...
1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
18. SALT: It never spoils.
19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.
21. FINE CHINA: All of your dinner plates shouldn't have Swanson Hungry Man embossed on the bottom.
22. THE FOUR FOOD GROUPS: Delivery, Take out, Frozen and Grilled.
I really do love this country, but...
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.
Anagrams are words or phrases made by transposing or rearranging letter of other words or phrases. This is a list of some really good one’s; obviously there are people out there with way too much time on their hands. Let’s have a look at them...
"Dormitory" - Dirty Room
"Evangelist" - Evil's Agent
"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It
"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots
"Teacher" - Cheater
"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em
"Animosity" - Is No Amity
"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler
"Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's
"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class,
"Semolina" - Is No Meal
"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place
"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake
"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one
"Contradiction" - Accord not in it
"George Bush" - He bugs Gore
"Presbyterian: "- Best in Prayer
"Astronemer:"- Moon starer
"The eyes:" -They see
"Election results"- Lies-lets recount
Here are some big daddy ones...
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
From the questions of the day
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
Know the rules before you play the game
A big-city, U.S. lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canada. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canada. We settle small disagreements like this with the Canadian Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Canadian Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
I'll drink to that
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Texas," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Texas too! Let's have another round to The lone star state."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Texas?"
"Houston," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Houston."
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Lincoln", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable, me too !!!" the second replies.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. " The durn cowboy twins are drunk again!"
"I have had a bad day"
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"
Think before you leap
This guy loved living in Puget Sound, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If he missed a ferry late at night, he would have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of Seattle.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than 10 feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the deckhand said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
Start a collection
What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
The Winning Question???
This one is for everyone who ....
a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing onthe bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Here are the best headlines of the year
(yes, they are real)...
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.
25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
Nice. Real nice.
Who works smarter?
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Here are police officer quotes collected from people stopped for traffic violations.
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Requests landlord's have received from tenants
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Amazingly simple home remedies:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of hot water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..........THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING...BUT...THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
For more humor check out these pages.
Guys versus Gals
Crazy consumer cautions
Praying for more church humor
Redneck stuff and such
Humor for Senior Citizens
More unanswered questions
Even more unanswered questions
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