Guys versus Gals
Humor for The Battle of the Sexes




Here are some jokes that are "Guys versus Gals", "Wife versus Husband", "Battle of the Sexes" type humor that we think you'll enjoy and get a good laugh. Who outsmarts who? You decide!

Hope you enjoy and share with your friends...yes, all of them, Guys and Gals!







Go to our funny stuff index page a complete list of all the humor pages


Not My Girlfriend

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

Womans's perfect breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Lawn Mower Repair

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off!!!


"Naggravation"

Aggravation is what your wife felt when you didnt stop for directions to her sisters wedding and you were late.
Naggravation is what you will feel for the next 17 years that she will remind you of it.

"A Woman's Prayer:


Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death"

Nice catch

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.
His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

15 Things your husband has done while you have been shopping

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

September 1: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and says "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming Mission Impossible theme music.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his " Madonna look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

My Opinion

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
& 1 lb package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right! I am single, but how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Breaking up is hard to do.


A soldier stationed in Viet-Nam received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Gary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Linda

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Linda, he included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 47 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Linda,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are, your name sounds familiar. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

She said...he said but what do they mean?


WHAT WOMAN MEAN WHEN THEY SAY

“YOU WANT” = You want
“WE NEED” = I want
“IT’S YOUR DECISION” = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
“DO WHAT YOU WANT” = You'll pay for this later.
“WE NEED TO TALK” = I need to complain
“SURE, GO AHEAD” = I don't want you to.
“I’M NOT UPSET” = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
“YOU’RE SO MANLY” = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
“YOU’RE CERTAINLY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT” = Is sex all you ever think about?
“BE ROMANTIC, TURN OUT THE LIGHTS” = I have flabby thighs.
”THIS KITCHEN IS SO INCONVENIENT” = I want a new house.
“I WANT NEW CURTAINS” = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
“I NEED WEDDING SHOES” = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
“HANG THE PICTURE THERE” = NO, I mean hang it there!
“I HEARD A NOISE” = I noticed you were almost asleep.
“DO YOU LOVE ME?” = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
“HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?” = I did something today you're really not going to like.
“i’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
“YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE” = Just agree with me.
“I’M SORRY” = You'll be sorry.
"WAS THAT THE BABY” = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
“I’M NOT YELLING” = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
“ALL WE’RE GOING TO BUY IS A SOAP DISH” = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

WHAT MEN MEAN WHEN THEY SAY

I'M GOING FISHING" = "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING" = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" = "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." = means Absolutely nothing. It's a Conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" = "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." = "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." = "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." = "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". = "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." = "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" = "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." = "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." = "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." = "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." = "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." = "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Where all the good men


Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Installing a husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to not avail.

What can I do? Signed, Desperate -------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "I Thought You Loved Me.exe" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should Then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 . In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Enjoy it while you can

Amanda was madly in love with Jason but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. "How can I stop Steve from spending so much money on me?" she asked her mother. “Oh that’s simple once you get married to him that will all stop” was the reply.

Hi mom!

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Studies find that...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

How it really works


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Getting even

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back --- how do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush...




Blonde jokes here is a whole page full for your enjoyment.





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Magic words


A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."

"Whats for dinner?"


I offered to help my daughter, Julie, prepare for a gala dinner party. I volunteered to clean the refrigerator and freezer to make room for the food. I restacked all the frozen dinners, but one casserole blocked my progress, uncovering it, I found something resembling sauerkraut, noodles and hot dogs in a cream sauce definite disposal item.
I set it on the counter to defrost. Julie asked why the casserole was out and I explained. "Oh, no," she said. "You can't throw that away, every time Gary comes home and sees it defrosting; he suddenly remembers seeing a new restaurant we have to try."

Quick thinker


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

Almost free

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they' re celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he' d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would' ve been a free man!'

Now you know

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! "Oh oh watch out."
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Celebration

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"Thats amazing" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long."

The difference in Men and Women

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
* If Ed, Jim, Paul and Billy go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Head, Godzilla, Onion Breath and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Ed, Jim, Paul and Billy will each throw in $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail, and go out with her friends.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house that ask for money everyday.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now
* What a man hears.
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah,NOW

The husband store


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Before & after

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

What is my gender?


Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Here is my advice.


A man goes to see the Priest. "Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.
" The Priest asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Priest then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Priest calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Priest replied, "Take the poison"

40 year curse


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Who Called?

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What in the world was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."

"Can you hear me???"

Earl feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to because she didn't always respond to him when he spoke to her, so he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple test he could perform to give the doctor a better idea as to the level of her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, speak to her and see if she can hear you. If not, move to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. He moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet away and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still not response. He then moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response. He walks right up behind her and asks her, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She yells, "Earl, for the 5th time,were having CHICKEN!"

And the winner is


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" asked Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?" responded a surprised Charlie. "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.

Marriage seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the men,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn 't it?

Red Skelton's recipe for the perfect marriage.


1.Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back .

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6 She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric fry pan, and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"... So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was? She told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"..... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"


The forgotten anniversary


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.


It's not difficult to make a woman happy

A man only needs to be:
a friend
a companion
a lover
a master
a mentor
a chef
an electrician
a carpenter
a plumber
a mechanic
a psychologist
a pest exterminator
a psychiatrist
a healer
a good listener
a smooth talker
an organizer
a good father
very clean
sympathetic
athletic
warm
attentive
gallant
intelligent
funny
creative
tender
strong
understanding
tolerant
prudent
ambitious
capable
courageous
determined
dependable
passionate
compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
give her compliments regularly
love shopping
be honest
never flirt
not stress her out
not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, THE MAN MUST ALSO:
give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
give her lots of time, especially time for herself
give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

Show up naked
Bring food and drink

The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

The living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”. "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So his wife got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all the beer.

"Take my money with me".

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

WIFE VS.HUSBAND

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote control in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use each day . . . 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . . " The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

"Love you Baby!"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.. Everyone else in the room stops to listen
Man: “Hello”
Woman: “Honey it’s me. Are you at the club?”
Man: “Yes”
Woman: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. is it OK if I buy it?”
Man: “Sure,…go ahead if you really like it.”
Woman: “ I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
Man: “ How much?”
Woman: “ $85,000”
Man: ”Ok but for that price I want it with all the options.”
Woman: “ Great! Oh and one more thing…. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “ Well then go ahead and give the, an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
Woman: “Ok. I’ll see you later! I love you baby!”
Man: “Bye, I love you too babe!”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”


In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage



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