Praying For More Church Humor?

Praying for more church humor? Well your prayers have been answered! We've got even more church humor to keep you laughing, putting a smile on your face and a song in your heart. Amen! Pass the collection plate and lets get started with more church humor.

"I do benefits for all religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality!"
Bob Hope

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The Cowboy and his Bible

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover.

The Top Ten Reasons God Made Women

God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.

God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

And the No. 1 reason of all . . .

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that"

Golf On Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Questioning Faith.

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

Practice makes perfect

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she said and then "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
Yes, indeed, honey," he answered." God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?

A piece of history

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Memorial service

In the church foyer there was a number of awards and plaques one was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Jacob."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Jacob asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Jacob's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?

To honor and obey

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Tossed from heaven

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Needing a new family.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

"Just as I am."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

"Give us this day."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Who makes the coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

They're Back! Church Bulletins:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus."


Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.


A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.


Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.


The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.


Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.


Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.


The Church is glad to have with us today the Rev. Shirley Green and Mrs. Green. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens


Evening massage - 6 P.M.


Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."


"Hark! an awful voice is sounding".


Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.


The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment


The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.


Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.


During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.


The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.


The 2000 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and May 11.


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.


A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


Ushers will eat latecomers.


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours "

Its been so long

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Your reward

The preacher passed away after 43 years at his local church. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he saw Saint Peter was talking to a man in a leather jacket, scruffy blue jeans and worn out tennis shoes.
Saint Peter asked the man his name. He replied, "My name is Vinny and I drive a taxi in New York City."
Saint Peter looked in The Book of Life and said, "Yes your name is here, Welcome to Heaven" and Saint Peter gave him a silken robe and a golden staff.
The preacher stepped up to Saint Peter and told him his name and thought 6If a taxi driver gets a silken robe and a golden staff what will I get as a preacher?'
Saint Peter looked in The Book of Life and said, "Yes your name is here, Welcome to Heaven" and Saint Peter gave him a potato sack robe and a bent stick.
The preacher stammered "He got a silken robe and a golden staff and all I get is this?"
"Yes." Replied Saint Peter and said, "Pastor when you preached people slept. But, when He drove, people prayed!!"

Now that your laughing check out the following pages
Airline humor
Animal humor
Blonde jokes
Child humor
Church humor in the begining
Courtroom humor...Here comes the judge
Crazy consumer cautions
Funny signs
Guys versus Gals
Humor is good for the body
Insurance Insanity...Funny Claims
Medical humor... laughing will make you feel better
More humor
Park Rangers
Redneck Humor...Y'all watch this.
Senior humor for all the Oldies
Southern Humor
Unanswered questions
More unanswered questions
Even more unanswered questions

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