On other pages we gave you humor to help your body and spirit. Now... more humor is coming your way.
You can never get too much humor. So here's more humor to help your body, mind and soul. While your at it, why not share a laugh with someone you know. Maybe someone who could use a pick me up right about now. We say thank you to all of the people who have sent some of these bits of humor. If you have any to share
For more pages of humor check these out.
Crazy consumer cautions
Guys versus Gals
Humor is good for the body
Insurance Insanity...Funny Claims!
Praying for more church humor
Jokes for senior adults
More unanswered questions
Even more unanswered questions
Go to our funny stuff index page for a complete listing of all the humor pages
Okay get a cup of coffee relax and have a good laugh. It will help brighten your day and take your mind off of the daily grind.
Help Wanted ad translations.
If it says......it means this.
Energetic self-starter: ...You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position:... We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required:... We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner:... You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours:... You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills:... You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future:... This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position:... You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact:... You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation:... You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds:... We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime:... You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination:... You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver:... You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills:... You will write tons of documentation and letters.
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
Now here is a pick me UP
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP! Now it's UP to you to tell your friends to look this UP.
House for sale hay included
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or your phone will ring.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Fun from down under Qs and As from Australia
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the, (sometimes brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' the woman asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping, 'the homeless woman said.' I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!
'Well,' the woman said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be angry with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.
The woman said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up wine, shopping, bathing, makeup and hair appointments.'
IF it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either One, it's a miracle.
Life span explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the fields with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family for this I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years But man said ""Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay." said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Together we stand
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
For more pages of humor check these out
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity...
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars, see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks... once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write " For smuggling diamonds"
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Don't use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?
Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, rock bottom, paper breaker or death to the fax machine.
When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Drive to work in reverse.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives with a sharpie.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
Boil ice cream.
Call strangers and ask for advice?
Give your cat a mohawk
Change your name...daily.
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts in one eye.
You wake up in the morning and dont recognize the room your in.
Your wife calls you at work crying and you co workers hear your apologies.
Hmmmm I wonder
For those that have sons....you know this well!!! You
find out all kinds of interesting things when you have sons, like ...
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq-ft house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A 6-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
Play-dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever until you need it to be forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Fireman will laugh at you when you tell them how the fire got started in the oven from plastic toys.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
You know you are from Alaska if
At +20F you turn the air conditioner on. You find -40F a little chilly. -60F you start looking for a sweater,
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
You have 10 favorite recipes for elk, moose or deer meat.
Your first puppy was really a moose.
The lower 48 refers to how much snow is left. If the snow gets lower than 48 inches its time to plant the garden.
You have nine months of winter and then three months of rough sledding.
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
You know that polar bears don’t really pee in the woods
You buy a freezer but it works better unplugged with the door open.
You take the snowmobile to town for the after Thanksgiving day sale.
You ride your snowmobile in the Memorial Day parade.
Fourth of July it is not safe to operate a snowmobile less than a foot of snow on the ground.
Santa leaves town and won’t be back until the end of march when it warms up.
You know what little bells sewn onto you pants legs are for.
Weather man say a slight chance of snow means less than a foot of new snow.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
You know better than to stick you tongue on anything.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck.
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
The nearest town is 85 miles away.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You only shovel the driveway till you find the top of the car so you know its still there.
There are two seasons: Liquid and solid.
Six inches of snow is still considered a heavy frost.
You know your from Atlanta if
This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.
Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." Except that in Cobb County , where all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."
The four restaurants you have to try are The Varsity, Krystals Waffle House and ChicFilet
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.
Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke's all they drink there so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it's still called Coke.
The gates at Atlanta 's Hartsfield International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.
The 8 am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM.
The 5 pm rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM.
Fri day's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 am Saturday. If there is a sporting event the rush hour is extended to 11:30pm on sunday.
Only a native of Atlanta can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue , so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawntz duh LEE-awn."
And yes, they have a street named simply, "Boulevard."
The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.
I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta, which has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."
Don't believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked East and West but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop ."
If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia , plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks.
If it crawls, it bites.
It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
"Momma-nem" means: How's Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing.
If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from Atlanta , Georgia and those who just wish they were.
Lordy, I love ATLANTA !
You know your in Arizona when
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The cactus are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly and put on a sweater..
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
All the green grass is astro turf.
You have a horny toad for a pet.
You know the difference between Hopi and Navajo.
You know that Flagstaff is always cold and Phoenix is always hot.
You know that the states around you get snow, its something white and people play in it.
You consider it a vacation when you go to the Petrified forest.
You have helped a friend make adobe blocks.
You know not to stick your tongue on cactus.
You have actually seen real Cowboys and real Indians.
The sixth grade science project was to time how long it takes to fry an egg on various surfaces concrete, car hood and the inside of a coffee can.
The seventh grade project was timing how quick a bag of ice will melt on various surfaces concrete, car hood and the inside of a coffee can..
In the eight grade you were taught the theory of air conditioning. To this day it still remains just a theory.
You know that rattlesnakes are easier to get close to than a roadrunner.
You know if you see a rattlesnake that it will make run almost as fast as the road runner.
You don’t believe in global warming, its as hot as its going to get where you live.
You know people with real bright red skin are tourists.
People with pale white skin are the retired people from Michigan.
You have been to the London Bridge located on Lake Havasu.
You know you have towns named Snowflake, Gila bend, Hauchacu, Nogales, Winkleman, Show low, Goodyear, Miami,Pinetop-Lakeside Surprise and Paradise Valley.
You know they send peanuts from Georgia to dry in the sun.
If you dust your house in the morning it will need to be done again in the evening.
If you see a car that is very shiny on one side and painted on the other its not a custom paint job.
Ah, Arizona what a place to call home.
You know you are from Michigan if
You've never met any celebrities.
"Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the
Michigan/Michigan State game.
Half the change in your pocket is Canadian
You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange
You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
It's easy to get VERNORS Ginger Ale, Sanders Hot Fudge sauce and Faygo Pop.
You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.
You bake with SODA and drink a POP.
The movie "Escanaba in Da Moonlight" wasn't funny. You consider it a documentary.
Your little league game was snowed out.
The word "thumb" has geographical meaning, rather than anatomical significance.
You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on the back of your left hand.
Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
You measure distance in minutes.
When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."
You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but it is either raining or snowing there.
Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.
Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas.
You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.
Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.
Everyone you meet out of state thinks you know Eminem personally.
You actually understand everything I just said
You know your from Philly When
You have never referred to Philadelphia as anything but “Philly”
New Jersey has always been called “Jersey”
You refer to Pennsylvania as “PA”
You guys is perfectly acceptable to a group of men and woman.
You know how to pronounce New Tripoli, Tunkhannock, Punxsutawney, Tamaqua, Susquehanna, Allegheny, and Monongahela
The first day of buck and doe season are days off from school.
At least 5 people on your block have electric candles in most of their windows all year long.
You know what a state store is while your out of state friends find it ridiculous that you can’t purchase liquor at the grocery stores.
You eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and have a long list of friends who do the same thing.
You know the time and location of every “wing night” in a 20 mile radius.
You consider a vacation to be a trip to Ocean City NJ, Ocean City MD or to Wildwood.
You hardly notice a Amish buggy on the road.
There is no such thing as a “Philly Cheese steak” Its real name is just “Cheese steak.
You ask the waitress for “dippy eggs”
You Know that Yuengling is pronounced “Ying-Ling and you think its a pretty good beer.
You know the Penn State cheer and even if you never went to college you are a an obnoxious Penn State fan.
Godiva chocolate is not as good as Hershey’s
School closings announcement due to snow will last at least 30 minutes.
You refer to Allentown as "A" town.
Going to Wal-mart at 3AM is one of the most fun things you can do on a friday night.
You know that you can’t buy beer and wine from the same store.
Dutch Wonderland is neither Dutch or much of a wonderland.
The green Dragon is not a Chinese restaurant.
You think tourist attractions are pretzel factory a chocolate factory and an Amish family out for a ride.
You consider Pittsburgh to be out west
You don’t eat Hoagies or subs they are called grinders
YOU KNOW YOUR FROM TEXAS WHEN....
You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Ennis, Waxahachie, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Waco, and Amarillo.
A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You think the other 49 states are foriegn countries.
You have actually seen a live armadillo.
You know what a Prairie Dog looks like.
You don’t think a Rattlesnake is big until it is over 6 ft long.
When you ask for directions and they say go to the Dairy Queen…and turn
You think all vehicles come standard with gun racks in the rear window.
You know the difference between Tony Lama, Dan Post and Justin”s
Cowboy boots are worn with suits.
You know what a Squash Blossom is.
You measure distance in hours.
You know if you have to cross Texas that you pack a lunch and a dinner.
Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
You know cow pies are not made of beef.
Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
You can name all the coaches... and all of the players that have ever been on the Dallas Cowboys football team.
You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Chevy 3500 4x4 is.
You know everything goes better with Ranch.
You go to the river/lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
You go to the gas station and there is a sign in the window that reads, "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service!"
Your family pet is the stray dog with one broken leg that came limping up to your door.
You say "Up-their" when you are refering to a place "Over there".
You say "yall" as if it was normal.
You get made fun of for the way you talk.
People always ask you if you own a horse and ride it to school.
You get asked if you say "howdy"
The weather can be sunny one day...rainy another and snowy the next.
You can tell the people that don’t have a garage, their cars have hail damage.
You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.
Finally you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
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