Good Ole' Southern Humor
"No Offense Y'all!"



Interestingly enough, everyday-wisdom.com is based out of the Metro Atlanta area so southerners is certainly something we know a little bit about! We hope ya'll enjoy a little bit of our southern humor.

"Y'all come back now, ya hear?"



"The South...where roots, place, family, and tradition are the essence of identity."

--Social historian Carl N. Degler









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A big part of southern humor is how we talk, to help you understand Southern Humor we have this collections of southern expressions or "Southernisms". We have included definitions for these terms spoken with that good ole' southern drawl, and for your convenience, these are listed in ABC order. You might want to read up and study these carefully if you plan on visiting the south!

Southernisms


Addled: Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, "What's wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled."
Afar: In a state of combustion. "Call the far department. That house is afar."
Ahr: What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. "They should've been here about an ahr ago."
Ar: Possessive pronoun. "That's AR dawg, not yours."
Ary: Not any. "He hadn't got ary cent."
Awfullest: The worst. "That's the awfullest lie you evr told me in your life."
Bad-mouth: To disparage or derogate. "All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I've about decided not to vote for any of 'em."
Baws: Your employer. "The baws may not always be right, but he's always the baws."
Best: Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. "You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it."
Braht: Dazzing. "Venus is a braht planet."
Bud: Small feathered crature that flies. "A robin sure is a pretty bud."
Carry you: Meaning to take you along with. I'm fixing to carry you to the store.
Cawse: Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective "lawst" (lost). "The War Between the States was a lawst cawse."
Cayut: A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. "Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed."
Chunk: To throw. "Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk 'at ball, can't he? Best pitcher we ever had."
Clone: A type of scent women put on themselves. "what's that clone you got on, honey?"
Contrary: Obstinate, perverse. "Jim's a fine boy, but she won't have nothin' to do with him. She's just contrary, is all Ah can figure."
Daints: A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. "You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?"
Danjuh: Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, "Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm's way."
Deah: A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he said to Scarlett O'Hara, "Frankly, my deah, Ah don't give a damn." Didn't go to: Did not intend to. "Don't whip Billy for knockin' his little sister down. He didn't go to do it."
Dollin: Another term of endearment. (darling) "Dollin, will you marry me?"
Dreckly: Soon. "He'll be along dreckly."
Effuts: Exertions. "Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant."
Everthang: All-encompassing. "everthang's all messed up."
Everhoo: Another baffling Southernism - a reverse contraction of whoever."Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room."
Fahn: Excellent. "That sure is a fahn-lookin' woman."
Farn: Anything that is not domestic. "Ah don't drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka."
Fetchin': Attractive. "That's a mighty fetchin' woman. Think I'll ask her to daints."
Fixin' to: About to. "I'm fixin' to go to the store."
Foolin' around: Can mean not doing anything in particular or sex, usually of the extramarital variety. "Sue caught her husband foolin' around, so she divorced him."
Fummeer: A place other than one's present location. "Where do we go fummeer?"
Gawn: Departed. "Bo's not here. He's gawn out with somebody else."
Gone: Going to. "You boys just git out there and play football. We gone make mistakes, but they are, too."
Got a good notion: A statement of intent. "Ah got a good notion to cut a switch and whale the dickens out of that boy."
Grain of sense: An appraisal of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. "That boy ain't got a grain of sense."
Gummut: A large institution operating out of Washington that consumes taxes at a fearful rate. "Bill's got it made. He's got a gummut job."
Hahr: That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. "You need a hahrcut."
Hod: Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child's head. "That boy's so hod-headed it's pitiful."
Hot: A muscle that pumps blood through the body, but also regarded as the center of emotion. "That gull (girl) has just broke his hot."
Hush yo' mouth: An expression of pleased embarrassment, as when a Southern female is paid an extravagant compliment. "Honey, you're 'bout the sweetest, best-lookin' woman in Tennessee. Now hush yo' mouth, Jim Bob."
Ignert: Ignorant. "Ah've figgered out what's wrong with Congress. Most of 'em are just plain ignert."
Ill: Angry, testy. "What's wrong with Molly today? She's ill as a hornet."
Innerduce: To make one person acquainted with another. "Lemme innerduce you to my cousin. She's a little on the heavy side, but she's got a great personality."
Iont: I don't. "Iont know if Ah can eat another bobbycue (barbecue) or not."
Jack-leg: Self taught, especially in reference to automobile mechanics and clergy-men. "He's just a jack-leg preacher, but he sure knows how to put out the hellfire and brimstone."
Jewant: Do you want. "Jewant to go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?"
Ka-yun: A sealed cylinder containing food. "If that woman didn't have a kay-un opener, her family would starve to death."
Kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on: A colorful Southern expression used as as evaluation of someone's ability to accomplish something. "He ain't got no more chance than a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on."
Kin: Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. "Are you kin to him?" "Yeah, He's my brother."
Klect: To receive money to which one is entitled. "Ah don't think you'll ever klect that bill."
Laht: A source of illumination. "This room's too doc (dark). We need more laht in here."
Lar: One who tells untruths. "Not all fishermen are lars. It's just that a lot of lars fish."
Layin' up: Resting or meditating. Or as Southern women usually put it, loafing. "Cecil didn't go to work today 'cause of a chronic case of laziness. He's been layin' up in the house all day, drivin' me crazy."
Let alone: Much less. "He can't even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family."
Let out: Dismissed. "What time does school let out?"
Lick and a promise: To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. "We don't have time to clean this house so it's spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise."
Mahty raht: Correct. "You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin' a little bit."
Make out: Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. "You chirren (Children) hadn't had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper."
Mind to: To have the intention of doing something. "Ah got a mind to quit my job and just loaf for a while."
Nawth: Any part of the country outside the South _Midwest, California or whatever.If it's not South, it's Nawth. "People from up Nawth sure do talk funny."
Nekkid: To be unclothed. "Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird."
Nemmine: Never mind, but used in the sense of difference. "It don't make no nemmine to me."
Of a moanin: Of a morning, meaning in the morning. "My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin."
Ownliest: The only one. "That's the ownliest one Ah've got left."
Parts: Buccaneers who sailed under the dreaded skull and crossbones. "See that third baseman? He just signed a big contrack with the Pittsburg Parts."
PEEcans: Northerners call them peCONNS for some obscure reason. "Honey, go out in the yard and pick up a passel of PEEcans. Ah'm gonna make us a pie."
Pert: Perky, full of energy. "You look mighty pert today."
Pick at: To pester and annoy. "Jimmy, Ah told you not to pick at your little sister."
Purtiest: The most pretty. "ain't she the purtiest thing you ever seen?"
Quar: An organized choral group, usually connected with a church or school. "Did you hear the news? The preacher left his wife and run off with the quar director."
Raffle: A long-barrelled firearm. "Dan'l Boone was a good shot with a raffle."
Rahtnaow: At once. "Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it's time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow."
Ranch: A tool used to lossen or tighten nuts and bolts. "Hand me that ranch, Homer."
Raut: A method of getting from one place to another which Southerners pronounce to rhyme with "kraut". Yankees, for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery, pronounce "route" to rhyme with "root". Or worse still, "foot."
Restrunt: A place to eat. "New Yorker's got a lot of good restrunts."
Retard: No longer employed. "He's retard now."
Sass: Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. "Don't sass me, young lady. You're not too old to get a whippin'."
Shainteer: Indicates the absence of a female. "Is the lady of the house in?" "Nope. Shainteer."
Shudenoughta: Should not. "You shudenoughta have another drink." Spell: An indetermined length of time. "Let's sit here and rest a spell."
Stain: The opposite of leaving. "Ah hate this party, and Ah'm not stain much longer."
Supper: The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. "What's for supper, honey?
Take on: To behave in a highly emotional manner. "Don't take on like that, Brenda Sue. He's not the only man in Lee County."
Tal: What you dry off with after you take a share. "Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?"
Tawt: To instruct. "Don't pull that cat's tail. Ah tawt you better'n that."
Thank: Think. "Ah thank Ah'll go to a movie tonight."
That ole dawg won't hunt no more: That will not work. "You want to borrow $20 when you still owe me fifty? That ole dawg won't hunt no more."
Tore up: Distraught, very upset. "His wife just left him, and he's all tore up about it."
Uhmewzin: Funny, comical. "Few things are more uhmewzin than a Yankee tryin' to affect a Southern accent, since they invariably address one person as 'y'all when any Southern six-year-old knows 'y'all is always plural because it means 'all of you.'"
Unbeknownst: Lacking knowledge of. "Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards."
Usta: Used to. "Ah usta live in Savanah."
Vaymuch: Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. "Ah don't like this ham vaymuch."
Wahn: What Jesus turned the water into, unless you're Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. "Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?"
Wars: Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. "They're puttin' telephone wars underground now."
Wawk: A method of non-polluting travel by foot. "Why don't we take an old-fashioned wawk?"
Wear out: An expression used to describe a highly-effective method of behavior modification in children. "When Ah get ahold of that boy, Ah'm gonna wear him out."
Wender: A glass-covered opening in a wawl. "Open that wender, It's too hot in here."
Winnerwell To make it thru the winter ok."Them flowers wont winnerwell it will get to cold for them."
Yat: A common greeting in the Irish Channel section of New Orleans. Instead of saying "hey" in lieu of "hello" the way most Southerners do, they say, "Where yat?"
Yew: Not a tree, but a personal pronoun. "Yew wanna shoot some pool?"
Y'heah?: A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. "Y'all come back soon, y'heah?"
Yomomma: Term for your mother. "Yomomma shore due know to make good biscuits."
Yomomma an them: Refers to your mothers friends and relatives that she talks with on a regular basis. "Yomomma an them going to be so proud about how you turned out."
Yontny: Do you want any. "Yontny more cornbread?"
Yontto: Do you want to. "Yontto come in for some sweet tea?"
Yungins: Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. "Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes."
Zit: Is it. "Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you're having fun."

Got it made here.

Letter from a southern hillbilly child in Marine boot camp.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail.

Not skeered anymore


Billy Ray went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist. "I'll sleep on it," said Billy Ray. Six months later the psychiatrist met Billy Ray on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

Only a Southerner


Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Yankee killer

A gentleman from Boston was in Louisiana visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable southern way of life-- something he was not accustomed to, being from the north.
While walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid.
He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead. As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street.
He announced that he was the star reporter for a big Louisiana newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. "LOUISIANA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," the headlines would proclaim.
The would-be savior thought that this sounded great, but explained that he was from Boston -- not Louisiana.
The next day the headlines of the Louisiana paper read: "YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET."
Southern style hunting

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"


Southern Girls

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
Drinking straight out of a can
Not sending thank you notes
Velvet after February
White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day

Southern girls know the three types of school:
Ballroom
Ballet
Charm

Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
Dewy skin
A winning smile
That unforgettable Southern drawl

Southern girls know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am"
"Yes, sir"
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your mother?"
"Love your hair."

Southern girls know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern girls know their three R's:
Rich
Richer
Richest

Southern girls know their vacation spots:
The Beach
The Beach
The Beach

Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Wide brimmed hats
Strapless sun dresses

Southern girls know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Sugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Gone With the Wind
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias

Southern girls know their religions:
Catholic
Baptist
NASCAR
Football

Southern girls know the seasons:
Recruiting
Spring Training
Practice
Football

Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
Redeye gravy
Grits
Country ham
Mouth watering homemade biscuits

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston
Savannah
New Orleans
Birmingham

Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls can teach anyone to flirt:
Slowly lower your eyelashes
Listen carefully to everything he says
Speak r-e-a-l slow

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad blind dates



Humor from the southern states


The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Kentucky women.

Alabama : A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Louisiana: A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi: The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Tennessee: A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put "flares" in the front and "flares" in the back. I never did understand it neither."

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test."





You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.





If y'all want some more laughs click these links!
Airline humor
Animal humor
Blonde Jokes
Child Humor
Church humor
Courtroom humor
Crazy consumer cautions
Funny signs
Guys-versus-Gals...The Battle of The Sexes
Humor is good for the body
Insurance Insanity
Medical Humor
More humor
Park Rangers
Praying for more church humor?
Redneck Humor
Senior Citizens Humor
Unanswered Questions
More unanswered questions
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