Redneck Humor! We keep hearing jokes about these characters, but no one's ever actually introduced themselves to us as a redneck so we can only assume they really are out there...probably driving a jacked up truck, drinking a "brewski", ya think? :)
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Just a Pair
Bubba and Bo while hunting found three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Bubba.
"Don't worry about it," says Bo.
"We'll just lie and tell them we only found a pair of them."
Here are a few Etiquette tips for rednecks!
...ON PERSONAL HYGIENE...
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
...WHEN DINING OUT...
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
...FOR ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME...
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
...FOR DATING (Outside the Family)...
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
After you say get outta the truck make sure that the rifles,fishing pole, beer and hound dog are still in the truck.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
...TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS...
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck medical terms
BARIUM: What doctors do when patients die.
COLIC: A sheep dog.
D&C: Where Bill Clinton use to live.
DILATE: To live longer.
HANGNAIL: Coat hook.
IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known.
LABOR PAIN: Get hurt at work.
MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane.
MORBID: A higher offer.
NITRATES: Cheaper than day rates.
NODE: Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: A patient who fainted.
PAP SMEAR: A fatherhood test.
PELVIS: Cousin to Elvis.
RECOVERY ROOM: A place to do upholstery.
RECTUM: Dang near killed 'em.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at your computer.
TUMOR: More than one.
URINE: Opposite of "You're out".
It hep's me spell thangs y"all
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Where do you live?
Sue Ellen died in the middle of the night, so her husband, Bubba, called 911. The operator answering the call said they would be sending someone over right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba answered, "At the end of Eucalyptus Terrace Landing." Then the operator asked, "Could you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause, until Bubba finally said, "How about if I drag her over to Pine Street and you can pick her up there?"
Have you ever wondered if you might be a Redneck. Well here are some clues that you might be a Redneck if;
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your in laws.
The people on Jerry Springer's show are your in laws in disduise.
You let your seventeen year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Your child's first words are "Attention Wal-Mart shoppers!".
Your proud you can belch and say your name at the same time.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
You believe that beef jerky RC Cola and Moon Pies are three of the major food groups.
Two sevings of fruit is a pop tart with grape jelly on it.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You think a balanced meal is a paper plate with beenie weenie's on one knee and a beer on the other knee.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You had a car and a drivers license in the fourth grade.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've been too drunk to fish.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. .
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk..
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took..
Thangs Rednecks never say
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Do you think my hair is too big?
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
You can't feed that to the dog.
Trim the fat off that steak.
I just love the Opera
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Formula One drivers can drive better than Nascar drivers.
Lets plan a trip to Europe next spring.
Should we put in new hardwood floors.
What size orential carpet would look best in the family room.
I have a dentist appointment next week.
I will have a tossed salad instead of the slaw.
"Gimme the dry roasted peanuts."
Which tie should I wear with this shirt?
"NO you cant bring home another hound dawg puppy.
When I win the lottery I'm going to give it to charity.
I need to re-new my passport.
I would like the blackend fish instead of the BBQ.
That sushi was excellant.
I'll have a martini please.
I just bought four new tires.
Can you starch these shirts medium please?
Where is my briefcase?
Have you seen my cuff links?
Put that on my American Express please.
I'm a member of the country club.
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
Redneck security system
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Didn't say it.
Police in Atlanta had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't think very fast during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Ya’ll Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the redneck shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Special forces to end war on terrorists
The Pentagon has come up with a plan to eliminate the Taliban and Al Qaeda. It has been decided the best action would be to send in team of (USRSF) Redneck Special Forces Earl Ray, Bubba, Billy Joe, Billy Bob, Billy Ray, Bobo and Scooter they will be sent in with the following information about the Taliban.
The season opened last weekend.
Each wrap of a turban counts like a point on a buck.
There is no limit.
They don't like "yo Momma an them."
They don't like pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
They would shoot your Dawg.
They would rather live with a camel instead of marrying "yo ugly sister."
They called your pet possum a big rat.
They don't like beer.
They don’t eat barbecue, ribs or catfish.
They don’t like to fish.
They don’t like football.
They don't go to NASCAR races.
They don’t chew Skoal.
They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
They convinced the Southern State officials to take the Stars and Bars off of the flag.
It should be over in about a 10 days.
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Bubba because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bubba and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bubba snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Bubba shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; former navy seal a real man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bubba into bed and blew him a kiss good night.. He sat up and watched me all night long."
"Y'all ready for some more funny stuff?"
Blonde Babe jokes
Church humor this is where yo mama and them wants you to go on Sun
Crazy consumer cautions
Funny signs "not one of them has bullet holes thru em"
Guys versus Gals
Humor is good for the body
Insurance Insanity...Funny Claims
More humor Dang you mean thers sum mo funny stuff.
Park Rangers They be friends with Smokey the Bear.
Praying for more church humor
Senior humor thats for Granny and them ol folk's
More unanswered questions
Even more unanswered questions
Real redneck pictures
Redneck tape measure
"Y'all hurry back Ya hear cause we are fixin to add sum mo funny stuff."
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