Crazy Consumer Cautions

This page "Crazy Consumer Cautions" is just one more page for our humor section. In this day and time, it's a shame that manufacturer's have to go to such extremes as printing out such silly warnings on product labels, instructions, booklets, and signs and such. We have gathered some of the more ridiculous ones that are sure to make you chuckle and leave you wondering..."How dumb do they really think we are?"

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Alcohol Consumption Warning

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking 3 or 4 alcoholic beverages.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than you really are.

Software program development cycle explained.

Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

1 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2 Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3 Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4 Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5 See 3.

6 See 4.

7 See 5.

8 See 6.

9 See 7.

10 See 8.

11 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

12 Users find 137 new bugs.

13 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

14 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

15 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

16 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

17 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

18 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on Product Warning Labels:

• "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
• "-- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs. Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish."
• On a curling iron "For external use only!"
• On a curling iron. "Warning: This product can burn eyes."
• On a hair dryer "Do not use in shower."
• On a hair dryer "Do not use while sleeping."
• On a hand-held massaging device "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious."
• On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket. "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment."
• On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists. "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
• On an electric rotary tool "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
• On a container of underarm deodorant "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."
• On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard. "Do not drive with sunshield in place."
• On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn. "Caution: This is not a safety protective device."
• On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter. "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."
• On a toner cartridge for a laser printer" Do not eat toner."
• On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow" Not intended for highway use."
• On a Holmes bathroom heater" This product is not to be used in bathrooms."
• On a can of self-defense pepper spray." May irritate eyes."
• On a Domino's Pizza box. "Caution! Contents hot!"
• On a coffee cup. "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!"
• On a frisbee.."Warning: May contain small parts."
• On a toilet bowl cleaning brush" Do not use orally."
• On a butcher knife" Please keep out of children."
• On a birthday card for a 1 year old. "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less."
• On a battery" Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use."
• In the manual for a heated seat cushion "Warning: Do not use on eyes."
• On a laser pointer "Do not look into laser with remaining eye."
• In the manual for a microwave oven. "Do not use for drying pets."
• On an electric cattle prod "For use on animals only."
• On a can of air freshener "For use by trained personnel only."
• On a can of air freshener "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers."
• On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror. "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
• A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 9" x 9" x 5", "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death."
• On a package of silly putty. "Do not use as ear plugs."
• On a bag of fresh grapes "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator."
• On the packaging of a sharpening stone "Warning: knives are sharp!"
• "Not for weight control." On a pack of Breath Savers.
• On the label of a bottled drink. "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth."
• On a milk crate: "Theft of this container is a crime."
• On a box of rat poison. "Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice."
• Posted on a Boeing 757. "Fragile. Do not drop."
• On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid. "Cannot be made non-poisonous."
• On a portable stroller "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage."
• "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron "Do not iron clothes on body."
• On Boot's children's cough medicine "Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• On a string of Christmas lights "For indoor or outdoor use only."
• On a child sized Superman costume. "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
• On a sign at a railroad station"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted."
• On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets. "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems."
• On a dessert box. "Product will be hot after heating."
• On a package of dice. "Not for human consumption."
• On a shipment of hammers "May be harmful if swallowed."
• In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw. "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand."
• "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
• On a package of peanuts "Warning: May contain nuts."
• "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
• "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
• "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
• "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
• "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
• "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
• "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
• "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
• "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
• "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
• "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
• "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
• "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on Assurances For Product Safety:
• "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on Small Print From Commercials:
• "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
• "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
• "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
• "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on Signs and Notices:
• "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
• "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
• "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
• "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
• "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
• "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
• "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
• "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
• "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
• "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
• "Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on Safety Procedures:
• "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
• "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on List of Ingredients:
• "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
• "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
• "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.

Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on Printed Instructions:
• "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
• "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
• "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
• "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
• "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
• "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
• "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
• "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
• "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
• "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
• "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

Crazy Consumer Cautions on Requirements Listed:
• "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.

If you liked these "Crazy Consumer Cautions" and would like to see even more humor click these links. Using one of our own crazy consumer cautions...We advise to use extreme caution before proceeding as our humor section "May cause laughter to the point of tears!!":

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Child Humor...You Can't Help But Love Them Either!
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Guys vs Gals
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Insurance Insanity
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Unanswered questins
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