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Making a cross country flight in our single engine aircraft, we needed to make a landing to refuel. It was right at lunch time so we asked the airport operations manager if there was something nearby to grab a meal. He dug in his pocket pulled out his car keys and said “there is a good restaurant about 5 miles down the road.”
“My wife said that’s very nice but you don’t even know us what if we never come back”
A big smile came across his face as he said “I will be happy to trade my $12,000 car for your $45,000 airplane, enjoy your meal.”
Aussie Airline Humor
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by Quantas Pilots to maintenance engineers.
After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots squawks.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance engineers)
P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - #2 propeller seepage normal - #1,3,4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield
S - Live bugs on backorder
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground
P - Evidence of a leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they're there for!
P - IFF inoperative
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
Took care of that problem
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
ORVILLE WRIGHT to brother Wilbur: "This time you fly the plane, and let me be air traffic control
Passed this time
After a rough landing the pilot stood by the door as passengers disembarked. One passenger remarked, "As a professor, I would have to give that landing a grade of 'C minus."
The pilot replied, "Professor, in my line of work, it isn't a graded course. It's pass or fail."
The new flight attendant
An airline captain was breaking in a new, blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The flight attendant replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried,"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Pilot communications with ground crews
and control tower
Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...
Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked, they're all working.
Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: Do you need an easier one?
Tower: Lufthansa eight-six-one-oh cleared for take-off.
Pilot (LH 8610): We haven't landed yet.
Tower: Who's lined up on two-six south?
Pilot (LH 8801): Lufthansa eight-eight-oh-one.
Tower: Well, YOU're cleared for take-off then.
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Pilot (Eastern 702): "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern 702?"
Pilot (Continental 635): "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern, and have already notified our caterers."
Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, flight marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.
Tower: You have traffic at ten o'clock, six miles
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
Tower: "Do you have enough fuel or not?
Tower: "Yes what??"
Pilot: "Yes, SIR!!"
Tower: What's your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
Pilot: "Bangor Departure, this is Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo."
Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, Bangor go ahead."
Pilot: "Bangor, I don't seem to be making much progress here. How is my ground speed?"
Tower: "Cessna Four Seven Six Bravo, it all depends. If you're a hang glider, you're doing pretty well."
Pilot: "Tower, request permission to enter your control zone."
Pilot: "Tower, did you say 'negative'?"
Pilot: "Understood 'affirmative'. Will call when leaving zone."
Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...
SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul tells of the following exchange: "One day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high, we were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. '90 knots,' Center replied. Moments later, a twin engine Beech requested the same. '120 knots,' Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Uh, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the response, 'Dusty 52, 525 knots on the ground.' Then came another silent pause. Just as I was thinking to myself how ripe the situation was, I heard the crackle of our radio as Walt transmitted 'Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?' There was a longer than normal pause. 'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,742 knots.' No further speed inquiries were made after that".
In another popular SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to flight level 600 (60,000 feet). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?" The SR-71 pilot responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it!
Lost Student Pilot: "Unknown airport with a Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM two-four-two request start up and push back, please.
Ground crew: KLM two-for-two expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Ground crew: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
Pilot: Delta Tango Oscar three-zero, Tower, we're running out of fuel, please advise.
Tower: What's your position, I don't have radar contact!
Pilot: We're sitting on runway two-nine and would like to know where the fuel truck is.
Tower: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn 20 degrees to the right."
Pilot (Flight 2431): "Roger, but we're at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Flight 2431, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it collides with a 727?"
Pilot trainee: Lichtenfels info, DEITN, turning base right for runway two-two for go and touch.
Tower: DEITN, I got a request: Please first touch and then go.
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained,
"Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.
Tower: DE..., turn downwind for runway two-six, you're number two behind a DC-9 turning base leg.
Pilot: DE..., turning downwind for two-nine, following a DC-6.
Tower: Not quite: Runway is two-six, traffic a DC-9.
Pilot: Roger, follow a DC-26 ... what was the runway?
While taxiing at LaGuardia the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.
Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, your squawk is really seven-zero-four-six?
Tower: I'll send you an excavator, your height is minus nine-zero feet.
Question: Why don't blind people skydive?
Answer: Because it scares the hell out of the dog!
Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the night time, and instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?" the controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
During emergency landing training, I asked my flight instructor how to handle a night emergency.
He said, "Same way. Set up for maximum glide as you look for a place to set it down. Just before you land, turn on your landing light. If you like what you see, go ahead and land.
If you don’t like what you see turn the landing lights off
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"
Air line crews with a sense of humor
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
21. On an Air Tran flight from Atlanta to Miami as we approached the gate the pilot turned off the fasten seat belt sign turned on the intercom and said “ All Rise” no problem with that command.
22.In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer -- it makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out now and play with it.
23. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it is going to get really dark, really fast. If you are afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please do not press the orange button (attendant) unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat's ejection button. Just kidding. We are glad to have you on board with us today, and thank you for choosing Alaska Airlines."
24.Pilot: "Sorry about the delay in pushing back from the gate, but apparently they don't take American Express at the gas pumps."
25.Pilot (after a failed landing and coming in for another): "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one."
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25 things every good airline pilot should know.
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick
back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way
back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there
wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot
cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is
one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be
another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report
that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of
take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no
one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick
is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round
and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of
miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually
comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not
subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Jokes about our senior citizens
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.
4. A check ride ought to be like a skirt--short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything
5. Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.
6. It only takes two things to fly: airspeed, and money.
7. Aircraft Identification: If it's ugly, it's British. If it's weird, it's French. If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.
8. Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.
For more down to earth humor fly to these pages
Crazy consumer cautions
Guys versus Gals humor
Humor is good for the body
Praying for more church humor
More unanswered questions
Even more unanswered questions
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