Courtroom Humor
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Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: 38 or 25, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
A: Between milepost 498 and 500.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
A: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Lawyer: What year?
A: Every year

Lawyer What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Just Trying to help

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?
We don't have any money for food', the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said. 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.' 'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!' 'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place . . . . The grass is almost a foot high!!

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!!!

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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