Child Humor....Children's Capers
Kids are King
Go to our funny stuff index for a complete listing of all the humor categories
Here we have put together some "child humor" for a few more good laughs! We all know that kids say and see things differently than us adults, so with that in mind, you'll see how easily things can become misconstrued, turned around, turned upside down, and inside out when it comes to the little ones.
Kids! Can't help but love 'em, right?
Back In The Day
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "Mom, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
A Waste of My Time!
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
"It's time to see how clearly you can think," the teacher said to his class. "Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"
The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.
When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, "The person is me."
Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he said to himself. "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad."
At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have," he said. "But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?"
His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, "I give up. Who is it?"
"It's my teacher!" Jeffrey said.
The Things Babies Say...
"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."
My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5
Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"
As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."
Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"
While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"
Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."
His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son -- me!"
When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"
Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly each with the little girl looking at the streak of light and smiling.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty, God keeps taking my picture!"
Marriage advice from kids
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Brian, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Sarah, age 11
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Abby, age 9
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Jacob, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Nicole, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Justin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Matthew, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Amber, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Isac, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to
Ricky, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 )
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Eric, age 10
Answers from junior high, high school, and college test papers submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agents insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial perspiration."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
Five Reasons Not To Mess With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
SIX-YEAR-OLD Aiden blamed his mother for not trying her best to convince his father that he should buy a bicycle for him. "I did try my best," his mother said. "You didn't cry day and night the way you did when you wanted a new fur coat
Pick one you like
Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
When did you start
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?
Eye opening experience
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
Its not a cat
After buying her kids a puppy, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that puppy would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Broke and missing
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her seven year old son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
And now a word
There was a group of five-year-olds that had got together to play, The moms were pleased to see them using their imagination, without the aid of television or toys. Their pleasure was short-lived, however, because one boy suddenly announced, "We will return to this game after a word from our sponsors." Their game resumed after a minute of silence
How much do you know?
A five-year-old boy was roughly jerking on his toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "Yes sir but I don't know how much you saw!" he stammered.
In a little bit
A lady getting on the city bus, trying to save fifty cents, hurried her young daughter aboard without paying the child's fare.
"How old are you, little girl?" the bus driver asked. "Four-and-a-half," she answered.
"And when will you be five? the driver persisted. "Just as soon as I get off the bus."
The birds n the bees and the cat
The Grandmother was looking at a picture her six year old granddaughter had drawn of a fat cat.
She asked the granddaughter what kind it was. she looked up and said that it was a cat that was going to have kittens. "See, I'll show you," she said. Carefully she outlined in pencil four very small kittens inside the cat's body.
The grandmother then asked, "Do you know how they got there?" Looking at her seriously, she said, "Of course I know. I drew them."
New National bird
As I picked my son up from his first grade class I could tell from his face that he was deep in thought. Then he asked "Dad, what do birds have to do with the American flag?" Thinking he was talking about the eagle on top of the flag pole I proceeded to "educate" him on the national bird. "I know all of that, Dad, I'm talking about the pigeons! What do the pigeons have to do with the flag?" Well, I was at total loss but I took a deep breadth and continued the query. "What do you mean?" He then rolled his eyes and released such a sigh. So, very slowly he began to instruct, "Every day we start out by saying a prayer to the flag and in it we say, 'I lead the pigeons to the flag...
Why Mommy and lifes great unanswerd questions
I know I put it somewhere!
A small girl was standing at the foot of the down escalator, staring intently at the moving handrail.
"Is there something wrong,?" asked a lady that was passing by.
"No" the girl said. I'm just waiting for my gum to come back so I can catch it."
Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.
"South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."
"Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south."
"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."
"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."
"There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."
"To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up."
"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."
"Clouds are high flying fogs."
"Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."
"We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."
"Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."
"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."
"In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."
"Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man."
"The wind is like the air, only pushier."
"A blizzard is when it snows sideways."
"A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."
"A monsoon is a French gentleman."
"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."
"It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."
Just a thought
An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be President?"
"Help me please."
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you tie my shoe?"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo as I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
Who is your Dad?
A Wise Little Girl
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Mitchell's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Mitchell." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Mitchell's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Finding Out You're Pregnant
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don'! t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
For more humor pages click here.
Hitting the sauce
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Dog Gone Criminal
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
A Different viewpoint
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
A ride share mom was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
Lets go to the church humor page
Time to go
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
What do you think?
My son age 4 came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "I think we better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
The cause of headaches
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
Our daily bread
A child's prayer "Give us this day our jelly bread."
When the ushers neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think it's time for you to try to figure out some of these yourself
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
The Easter bunny, tooth fairy and Santa clause are all your dad and mom say's somtimes he is the devil to.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
Reading what people write on bathroom walls can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't turn a peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside out
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Answers from the 5th and 6th grade science class
"The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."
"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."
"Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."
"Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should."
"Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."
"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."
"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."
"Isn't inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?"
"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."
"Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."
"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."
"Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."
"Lime is a green-tasting rock."
"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."
"Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."
"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."
"Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."
"Talc is found on rocks and on babies."
"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."
"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."
Even more unanswered questions.
One amazed tooth fairy
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
In My Footsteps?
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
Be still, my heart, thought, the doctor thought my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
Way Too Rough
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Hall of Fame
A young boy wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
How Do You Make Babies?
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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