Humor Is Good For The Soul
Every one needs a good laugh now and again. As you read these feel free to laugh as loud and as often as you need to.
Go to our funny stuff index for a complete listing of all the humor categories.
New words for the dictionary
(ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
(er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
(bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
(blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
(kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
(kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
(dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
(e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
(ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
(grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
(hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
(hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
(child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
(lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
(park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
(pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
(wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
(val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!
25 things my mother taught me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Good Night-Good Bye
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Thoughts to Ponder
Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
"I'll Drink To That"
A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said,
- "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said,
- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said,
- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,
- "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,
- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said,
- "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
The Sale Of The Day
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.
The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, "The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!"
The president of Budweiser asked for "The King of Beers, make it a Bud!".
Adolph Coors requested a "From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind."
And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
"And you sir?" he queried.
"I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply.
"A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked.
"Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?"
Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"
What a trick
A lady walks into a pub and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he answers.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the pub. But after realizing there's no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and asks, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it.
"I bet you can't do that again," she says.
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she declares SHE wants a Magic Beer. So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her beer, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, falls 3 stories and breaks both of her legs.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
While shopping in the local Wal-mart the customers were getting the usual sales announcements over the public-address system. “Wal –mart shoppers be sure and check out our special on candy and flowers for your sweet heart followed by "Mr. Anderson call on line one” Within a few minutes the announcement was made again “ Mr. Anderson call on line one.” Several minutes later the message was announced for the third time. The voice then declared,
"Cancel that call, Mr. Anderson and I recommend that you take advantage of today's special on flowers and candy."
A young man had resisted efforts to get him to run with the office jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined the group for their 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
After a month of running with the group they decided that the young man might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was.
"Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays."
After Andrews death, his wife Kathy went in to see her loan officer with a request for a $30,000 loan, telling the loan officer the funds are necessary for "after-death expenses."
The loan officer quizzes Kathy. "Did Andy not have a prepaid funeral benefit fund?"
"No," Kathy replied, "The funeral cost me $5,500." "What other expenses are there?" the loan officer asked. "Well, there was a hospital bill. After insurance it was almost $5,000."
"By my calculation, that's a total of just over $10,000. What other after-death expenses do you have?" the loan officer inquired.
"Well, I need the rest for the memorial stone."
"You need nearly $20,000 for a memorial stone? You've got to be kidding! What kind of stone is it?"
"Oh, it's a really, really nice big one", replied the bereaved widow. "It's nearly 3 carats."
Chance of rain
Taking a tour at the National Weather Service station we where shown all the latest innovations in forecasting technology. We all were impressed by what we saw.
At the completion of the briefing, a lady asked, "How do you assess the probability when you say there's a 75-percent chance of rain?"
The supervisor responded immediately: "It means there are four of us here, and three of us think it will rain."
Easy to find
We decided it would be nice to take our twelve year old grandson for summer vacation in our motor home. As we crossed the plains in the mid west he kept complaining about it being so hot. We promised him that we would take a break from the motor home and spend a night in a motel that had a pool.
When we stopped for gas in a small town in Wyoming we asked the clerk where we could find the nearest motel with a pool. She smiled and said ”get back on the freeway go about 150 miles to Cheyenne there is a motel on the right hand side it is easy to find, it will be the one with all the motor homes in the parking lot.”
One Saturday evening my wife and I decided to eat out but had not made reservations. When we arrived at our favorite restaurant, a lot of people had already signed up for a table ahead of us. I left our name with the hostess and we sat in the reception area. It was just a few minutes when a couple left the restaurant, complaining that the wait was too long. Within minutes, the hostess called, "Nickleson?" No one responded. She called again, but to no response.
After thinking about it for a split second, I convinced my wife that if we told the hostess we were the Nickleson’s, we'd get seated sooner. As we approached her, she said, "Nickleson?" I smiled and nodded. "Your family has been waiting for you, they are in the dinning room. I will take you there follow me please.”
To do list
I was visiting my niece for a few days and noticed a "to do" list on her table. It said:
Change bedding in guest room
Get nice German Chocolate cake
Bring out clock Aunt Mildred gave us
Throw this list away before Aunt Mildred gets here for visit.
A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE: No.
N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
"See you soon."
A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there, he e-mailed her to let her know he arrived safely. When he sent the e-mail, he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
LAUNDRY STAIN REMOVAL GUIDE
Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains:
Blood - Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.
Ink - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"
Grass - Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.
Mud - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.
Tomato Sauce - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?
Coffee - Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.
Wine - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little stain.
Chewing Gum - Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.
Nail Polish - Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?
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