Humor Is Good For The Soul

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Humor Is Good For The Soul

Every one needs a good laugh now and again. As you read these feel free to laugh as loud and as often as you need to.

Go to our funny stuff index for a complete listing of all the humor categories.

Beer convention

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, "The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!"
The president of Budweiser asked for "The King of Beers, make it a Bud!".
Adolph Coors requested a "From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind."
And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
"And you sir?" he queried.
"I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply.
"A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked.
"Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?"
Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"

What a trick

A lady walks into a pub and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he answers. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the pub. But after realizing there's no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and asks, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it. "I bet you can't do that again," she says. He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she declares SHE wants a Magic Beer. So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her beer, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, falls 3 stories and breaks both of her legs. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

Todays special

While shopping in the local Wal-mart the customers were getting the usual sales announcements over the public-address system. �Wal �mart shoppers be sure and check out our special on candy and flowers for your sweet heart followed by "Mr. Anderson call on line one� Within a few minutes the announcement was made again � Mr. Anderson call on line one.� Several minutes later the message was announced for the third time. The voice then declared, "Cancel that call, Mr. Anderson and I recommend that you take advantage of today's special on flowers and candy."

Runners high

A young man had resisted efforts to get him to run with the office jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined the group for their 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. After a month of running with the group they decided that the young man might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays."

New words for the dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!

25 things my mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

In Remembrance

After Andrews death, his wife Kathy went in to see her loan officer with a request for a $30,000 loan, telling the loan officer the funds are necessary for "after-death expenses."
The loan officer quizzes Kathy. "Did Andy not have a prepaid funeral benefit fund?"
"No," Kathy replied, "The funeral cost me $5,500." "What other expenses are there?" the loan officer asked. "Well, there was a hospital bill. After insurance it was almost $5,000."
"By my calculation, that's a total of just over $10,000. What other after-death expenses do you have?" the loan officer inquired.
"Well, I need the rest for the memorial stone."
"You need nearly $20,000 for a memorial stone? You've got to be kidding! What kind of stone is it?"
"Oh, it's a really, really nice big one", replied the bereaved widow. "It's nearly 3 carats."

Chance of rain

Taking a tour at the National Weather Service station we where shown all the latest innovations in forecasting technology. We all were impressed by what we saw.
At the completion of the briefing, a lady asked, "How do you assess the probability when you say there's a 75-percent chance of rain?"
The supervisor responded immediately: "It means there are four of us here, and three of us think it will rain."

Easy to find

We decided it would be nice to take our twelve year old grandson for summer vacation in our motor home. As we crossed the plains in the mid west he kept complaining about it being so hot. We promised him that we would take a break from the motor home and spend a night in a motel that had a pool.
When we stopped for gas in a small town in Wyoming we asked the clerk where we could find the nearest motel with a pool. She smiled and said �get back on the freeway go about 150 miles to Cheyenne there is a motel on the right hand side it is easy to find, it will be the one with all the motor homes in the parking lot.�

oooops

One Saturday evening my wife and I decided to eat out but had not made reservations. When we arrived at our favorite restaurant, a lot of people had already signed up for a table ahead of us. I left our name with the hostess and we sat in the reception area. It was just a few minutes when a couple left the restaurant, complaining that the wait was too long. Within minutes, the hostess called, "Nickleson?" No one responded. She called again, but to no response. After thinking about it for a split second, I convinced my wife that if we told the hostess we were the Nickleson�s, we'd get seated sooner. As we approached her, she said, "Nickleson?" I smiled and nodded. "Your family has been waiting for you, they are in the dinning room. I will take you there follow me please.�

To do list

I was visiting my niece for a few days and noticed a "to do" list on her table. It said:
Polish furniture
Scrub bathrooms
Change bedding in guest room
Get nice German Chocolate cake
Bring out clock Aunt Mildred gave us
Throw this list away before Aunt Mildred gets here for visit.

Mother's Dictionary..

A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE: No.
N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

"See you soon."

A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there, he e-mailed her to let her know he arrived safely. When he sent the e-mail, he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother�s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:

Dear Love,

Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.

Love,

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

LAUNDRY STAIN REMOVAL GUIDE

Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains:

Blood - Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass - Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Tomato Sauce - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee - Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little stain.

Chewing Gum - Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish - Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

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