Humor Is Good For The Heart
By popular demand, we have now added Humor Is Good For The Heart! We feel so strongly that humor is good for the heart, body, and soul, that we will continue to keep adding more humor for your enjoyment as well as ours!
Go to our funny stuff index for a complete listing of all the humor categories.
Complaints from Vacationers.
1. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
10."When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12."It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15."I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. ""Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.""
Something to think over
A photographer for a magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," the photographer demanded, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" barked the photographer. "I'm a photographer. Photographers take pictures." Seemingly confused, the pilot retorted, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Happiest day in a fathers life
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
back his credit card.
Time to go to school
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Why parents drink
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
" Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
" Yes ."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
" What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling
hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son, John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card, that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
"Good Trick Willie"
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" the other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him." He then turned to Willie and yelled, "Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"
Don't make me do it again
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his
horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and aske d, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
New one on the professor
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages,though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "yeah right."
I'm in security
Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.
The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said. "Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."
"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."
"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "Oh yeah? What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."
A quick time out
Brenda had three very active boys. One summer evening, she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
A man in his 50's bought a new Porsche and was out driving on the interstate at a high rate of speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Carrera," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
The officer said "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a police officer. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
A soldier stationed in Viet-Nam received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back in the states. It read as follows:
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
The Soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow troops for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Linda he included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 43 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are, your name sound familiar. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
My good deed
A man approaches the Gate of Heaven and asks to be let in.
"Tell me one good thing you did in your life," St. Peter says to him.
"Well," replies the fellow, "I saw a gang of kids stealing an old ladies purse." I tried to help her so I grabbed the leader and punched him and knocked him out.
"When did this happen?"
"About 40 seconds ago!"
Blue light special
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested,the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver,figuring the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are your Mr. Johnson?" they asked. He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage with the blue lights still flashing was the state troopers car.
Which road do I take?
A young man was touring the country by bicycle. He stopped in a small town to eat lunch. He politely asked the elderly man next to him for directions.
The old man smiled and said "Go five miles until you see a big two story white farmhouse on the right that’s Harold’s house. The road you want goes off to the left." After a pause, he added, "Harold”s dog will help you choose the right road."
Ump you need glasses
The softball league in our small town couldn't afford to hire umpires for the games. So we would ask students from the local college to volunteer.
One saturday we had a student that had never been behind the plate before. He was nervous as ball players in our town had a reputation for being critical about rookie umpires calls.
"Play ball," he yelled in his most confident voice. The first pitch came hard and fast. "Strike one," he yelled. The next pitch was high, and he shouted, "Ball one."
The pitcher walked towards homeplate. "What did you call that pitch?" he asked.
"A ball," the ump said. "It was high and away."
The pitcher shook his head in disbelief. "Yeah," he replied, "but the batter swung and missed."
It's your fault
One day my younger brother asked if he had been adopted. My older sister replied yes but they kept bringing you back. As he went crying to Mom, my sister turned to me and said “I told you not to trade your puppy for him but you wouldn’t listen.Now we have to keep him”
The computer gets more work done quicker than a human because it never has to stop to answer the phone.
Having a full-length mirror in a small apartment is like having a guest who never leaves.
Some parents have difficulty deciding on a name for the new baby, but others have rich relatives.
The surest way to make a red light turn green is to try to find
something in the glove compartment.
The best way to eat a grapefruit is by yourself.
Television has opened many doors—mostly on refrigerators.
People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: achievers and non achievers.
That no matter where you sit at a ball game, you're always between the hot-dog peddler and his best customer?
That clothes that are tight get tighter in the wash, while those that are loose will get looser.
That a dog's affection increases in direct proportion to how wet and dirty he is.
That when you come in late for work, everybody notices; but when you work late, nobody notices?
That people never say "It's only a game" when they're winning?
That the world's greatest movers and shakers are those people who recently moved into the apartment right over your head?
That the waitress always comes around to ask you how the food is, whenever your mouth is full of food.
That the one time you ever speed the cop is hiding using radar.
That when employees call in sick on Friday that they are always better on Saturday.
That people that dial a wrong number always do it right after you have gone to bed.
That if you do something stupid there is always someone with a video camera who catches it.
That if your cat gets stuck up a tree they always get down before the fire truck gets there.
Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
An ounce of keeping-your-mouth-shut sure beats a ton of explanation.
Let me show you
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a NYC cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
The cop says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" asks the lawyer.
The cop replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop," answers the cop. "License and registration, please."
The lawyer asks, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the cop repeats.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration... and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the cop requests.
At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the fire out of the lawyer and asks, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Senior humor... the oldies but goodies
Words to live by
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
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