The Battle Of The Sexes
Guys vs. Gals Continues!!

The title here, "Battle of the Sexes" pretty much says it all. When it comes to relationships between guys and gals, the verbage and actions between the two sexes can get quite humorous. We're sure you'll be able to relate!

For a complete list of all of thr humor pages click here

Womans terminology

(Guys listen up)

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Never mind: This is not meant as forget it, this means she won't forget this moment until she needs to bring it up again to win the next agument.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake

Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.

It's getting better

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from ALABAMA. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

The right man for the job

A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said. "Clean my house."

Last request

Gary was on his deathbed when the trust officer arrived at the hospital for a visit. With a weak and pitiful voice he implored the trust officer to see to it that one of his last wishes would come true. "Please," said Bill, "make sure that my wife marries our friend Gearld after I die." "But I thought you hated Gerald," replied the puzzled trust officer. "With his last breath, Gary said, "I do!"

Guy logic

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't? She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back...

What a laugh

The hit-and-run victim was getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over," the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh."

When your gone

A husband and wife were having an argument and the wife said that she would be dancing on his grave when he was gone.
The husband promptly made arrangements for a burial at sea.

He said...she said

Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

He said... Haven't I seen you someplace before?
She said... Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

He said... Is this seat empty?
She said... Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

He said... Your place or mine?
She said... Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

He said... So, what do you do for a living?
She said... I'm a female impersonator.

He said... Hey baby, what's your sign?
She said... Do not enter.

He said... Your body is like a temple.
She said... Sorry, there are no services today.

He said... I would go to the end of the world for you.
She said... But would you stay there?

He said... If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She said... If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and belch!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

She said ... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
He said ...... They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said... A widow.

He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

They will never say

Seven things you'll never hear a man say:

7. Here honey, you use the remote.
6. Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

Seven things you'll never hear a woman say :

7. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
6. Can we not talk to each other I'd rather just watch TV.
5. This diamond is way to big!
4. I'm sorry you were right!
3. Don't stop for directions, keep going you will find the way.
2. I think 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Do I have to go shopping again?

Reverse Psychology

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

For more humor check these pages
Airline Humor
Blondes Have More Fun
Funny Signs

Follow Me on Pinterest


To Go To The Article Index Click Here

To Go To Top of The Battle of the Sexes Click Here

Home | Articles | Family Tips | Money/Business | Health/Fitness |
House Tips | Auto Tips | Sports/Hobbies | Grandma's Tips |
Wisdom & Humor |